I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize