Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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