you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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