I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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