So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
