I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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