i already hear my dad disowning me
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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