went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
