Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
