i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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