Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
