Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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