DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
