i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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