I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
