I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
