bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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