This dress was meant to end up on your floor
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
