He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I want her autograph on my taint
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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