There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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