i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
When did angry sex become our thing?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
