She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
