I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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