i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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