i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
