dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Randomize
