Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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