you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
