it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Found your dick twin last night
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
