the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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