had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
