I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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