jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
