Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
