i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
