Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my shit smells like andre
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
