You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize