I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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