Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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