Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
