Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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