Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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