can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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