There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
