Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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