I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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