Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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