the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
