It was confusing and full of hummus
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Help. Why am I so naked?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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