I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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