I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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