I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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