dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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