Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
