I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
