im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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