Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
