I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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