The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
