i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
