theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just found puke in my bra..
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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