Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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