So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
